To take you on this journey with me, I need to take you back to when I first realised something was amiss. So for the next few posts I will rewind back a few months by posting some of my diary entries to help paint a picture of where I found myself in order to see where I am today. Not so long ago I thought that rock bottom was the lowest place I could find myself, but it wasn’t. There’s somewhere between rock bottom and the most darkest abyss of my twisted mind, where gravity pulled me lower and lower down with each second that passed. So here’s my first diary entry:
People look at me and all they see is a confident woman, with a bubbly personality and possibly a great lifestyle. They comment on material things, but what they don’t see is the monster of darkness that rages inside me each day. It consumes me daily. With each passing day my monster drags me down lower and lower into the dark abyss that is my crazy messed up mind. I am able to fool them all through my Oscar winning smile, my fake laugh because each day I play the role of a happy soul. A soul with a purpose, but I am so ,so far from that.
I ask myself daily why this is happening to me, why do I feel this way? what have I done in my life that awakened this monster? Hopefully in time I will be able to figure it all out, but right now all I know is that last night I wrote my first suicide note. Last night I wanted to end my life. I walked into my kitchen, picked up a blue kitchen knife and started marking the area on my wrist I wanted to cut. I wanted to feel the warmth of my blood on my skin. I wanted to inflict physical pain on myself because the thought of living with the monster raging inside me became too much to bear. You see I tucked my kids in, told them I loved them, asked them to take care of each other. I made them promise. It was meant to be my last time kissing them goodnight, telling them I love them. My husband was out, kids fast asleep and it was my perfect time to go, but it wasn’t meant to be. My efforts was cut short with my husband’s sudden return home. I hid my wrist and the knife and this morning I opened up and told him what I tried to do. The hurt in his eyes will haunt me forever. That was the moment I made a promise to myself that no matter what I will fight this demon inside me. Some may think me a coward for trying to end my life, but when you find yourself in that place, there is no reasoning for in death there is no pain and there are no monsters. There is nothing. For so long I felt lost, without purpose and such a failure.
It ate away at me. So maybe I am a coward, but to me that felt like my only way out. Today I’ve cried for the pain I could’ve caused my kids and my husband. I cried knowing that I am still not free of my monster. I cried because of the guilt I feel, I cried because I was lucky enough not to go through with ending it all. I have a monster raging deep within my soul and I will fight it will all I have.
This was my darkest hour and I am so relieved to have crawled my way back out of the darkness. Some days it still creeps up on me when I least expect it, but I am fighting hard because this disease will not beat me. Nelson Mandela once said: ‘ our deepest fear is not that we are in adequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure’. My challenge today is to remind myself that I am powerful beyond measure as cliche as it may sound.