When darkness comes
My dearest friend
When darkness comes it knocks me down like a ton of bricks. I can’t help but succumb to the voices in my head. It screams you’re a failure!, you’re useless!, you’re not wanted!, you’re not worthy of love!, you’re worthless! The voices screams so loudly I am unable to block them out. Some days I feel untouchable. I feel like I can conquer the world, then it strikes like a silent assassin. The sniper awaits his target patiently, then strikes when I least expect it. I do not choose the days or how long it lasts. I have no choice. It strikes whenever it sees the opportunity to do so. Anxiety steals my joy, it rips the life out of me.
It is so all consuming it stops me making plans with you. It’s not that I do not want to see you. Honestly, I do. I just simply can’t. I want to see you, but physically I just can’t bring myself to leave the safe confines of my home. Home is where I feel safest. Home is where I can hide away and live without fear of judgement. I would love to hear about your day, how your kids are doing. Sincerely I miss you very much. I want to open up to you and tell you how I feel but I’m riddled with the most intense shame and quilt. Shame of suffering with mental ill health and guilt for putting my family and you, my friend, through this. The easiest way to deal with my anxiety and depression is isolating myself from everyone. I dread the school run everyday because I’ll have to fake it. Pretend to be happy and feeling forced to make small talk with the parents. Some days it’s just easier not to face the world. Sometimes it’s just easier to say yeah I’m ok, rather than being truthful.
So here we are today and I have to finally admit that this is killing me. I miss you so much. I miss having a glass of wine laughing about the silly things we got up to at our respective jobs, how the kids drove us insane and planning our next lunch date. I want to laugh out loud with you again, but right now I am not able to do so. I guess I’m trying to explain that you’re not the reason why I’ve not seen you for so long. It’s not you, it’s me. Please do not give up on our friendship just yet. One day soon I’ll be your bubbly, silly friend you can have a laugh with again. One day I will have the courage to sit you down and explain it all. So for now this is just a sneak peak of what I’m experiencing. I want to thank you for the text reminders that you’re thinking of me. While I don’t reply to every text please know it is appreciated! One day soon we will laugh together again.
Beauty of my chaotic mind