Death isn’t final right?!

Death isn’t final right?!

Dear Dad

This year marks thirteen years since you were so suddenly and unexpectedly taken from this world. Thirteen years since I last heard your voice. Thirteen years since you last told me you loved me. I will never forget our final conversation. It was as if you knew those were your final words to me. I tried so desperately to convince myself that, that phone call was not our final goodbye, but I knew deep down it was. I instinctively knew you were saying goodbye forever from the first word you spoke. Your voice was trembling and I heard your tears when you told me you were leaving this world. You told me you were tired and that no amount of rest or holidays would make you feel rested again. You knew it was our final conversation, a final goodbye that ended with I love you. As the sunset that fateful Sunday night I cried myself to sleep knowing it was our final conversation, although I was in complete denial. Just like that my world as I knew it changed forever.

So here I am thirteen years later, married with two beautiful kids. You would be so proud of them. I named my first born after you and I can only hope he turns out to be a fraction of the man you were. You would’ve loved my husband as much as I do. I have not gone fishing since you died. The thought of doing it whithout you is still too much to bear. I still cry every time I think of you. I wish my boys could’ve met you. Oh how you would’ve spoiled them. You should see my garden. I have a apple tree producing the sweetest red apples, a variety of different herbs and vegetables! See I did pay attention. You’ve taught me so much from how to grow my own flowers and vegetables to fishing, but most of all you taught me how to be a kind, generous and caring woman and parent. Remember the times we used to camp out on the beach under the starry skies? Oh how I loved those days. How I long to have that experience with you again. If I could get one final chance, one final opportunity to see you again I would have those nights camping under the African sky again. If only I could share that with you again. Do you remember how you used to pull me over your knee and tickled me. I laughed so much the tears ran down my pink cheeks.

I was home recently for aunty Kathy’s funeral. I guess you know that already. The two of you are probably up there in heaven smoking a cigarette laughing at the craziness of this world. You’re probably also laughing at the times you used to reprimand my cousins and I for riding our cows like they were horses. I bet you still remember that very well. I do. I miss you so much dad and no amount of words would ever be sufficient enough to describe the pain I still feel. Loosing you doesn’t get easier. It’s been thirteen years and in fact it got so much harder knowing I’m not able to share any milestones, my kids or even just a simple phone call with you. Living without you is hard, but I have learnt to be happy again. When you loose someone you love so dearly it doesn’t get easier but you learn to live without them. You have taught me so much and for that I will be forever grateful. Thank you dad. Wherever you are please know I love you and miss you and wish I could hear your voice just one more time. Till we meet again.

I love you

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2 thoughts on “Death isn’t final right?!

  1. A beautiful post and such wonderful memories. So well written I could visualise those special times you had with your dad. He sounds like a wonderful man and am sure he’s looking down at you and your family with a very proud smile on his face.
    The memory of you and your cousins riding a cow made me laugh!


    1. Thank you lovely! Hearing it made you laugh put a big smile on my face! Thank you. We used to ride the cows on the farm all the time. The challenge was to see who’d stay on the longest. 😂


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