Today was an absolutely momentous day! It marked the first day of me venturing out to meet a friend for lunch in months. Since my anxiety and depression diagnosis I’ve never left the house without being accompanied by my husband and kids or even my friend Miss D as I needed the safety of their familiarity. Today was a small victory in my battle with my mental health disorder.
Meeting my friend meant driving to the train station and actually getting on a train unaccompanied. This is something I have not managed to do in months. I hid away in the safe confinement of my home being surrounded by family. For months I needed to be surrounded by those who makes me feel safe and secure. The anxiety and depression was crippling and kept me away from the things I most enjoyed and one of those things is socialising with friends.
Today I took a train filled with people and for the first time in months I did not have a panic attack. I sat on that train and felt unbelievably comfortable and secure enough to have a short conversation with the passenger next to me. Granted it was child and it was a lot easier to speak to the little girl, but I had a conversation with someone other than those closest to me. For the first time in months I walked through the crowded streets of Edinburgh and I was able to soak up the beauty of the city and navigate my way through the crowed streets walking to beat of Edinburgh. I was able to soak up the rhythm of the city. The tram bells, the traffic noise, the different languages pedestrians spoke and the music played by the bagpiper sounded like angels song. I walked through the streets of Edinburgh feeling like a whole new person. Whilst waiting on my friend to arrive I even ventured into a very crowded shop browsing the shoe range surrounded by so many people I lost count, but I walked along the shop and I felt different. It didn’t dawn on me until I started writing this blog post. I felt different but in a positive way, I felt excited, independent and maybe I’ll go as far as saying I felt confident again.
When I met up with My friend Miss G we greeted each other with a long awaited embrace, followed by giggles and laughter and that was the theme of the day. As per usual we spent the day laughing till our cheeks hurt and for the first time no wine was involved. We always have bubbly or a white Zinfandel Rose. Writing this piece I can’t help but smile for it was an amazing day. We had a fabulous lunch at The Filling Station on Rose street followed by shopping and of course a ‘must do’ trip to Ann summers for us filled with more laughs and giggles! People were staring at us because of our silliness and the loud laughter, but for once I didn’t care. In fact I couldn’t care less. I was in my element spending time with a friend I haven’t seen in a year and it was like we saw each other just yesterday. Lala and Dipsey picked up where they left off and it felt amazing.
My mental health disorder sat in a corner feeling sorry for itself because once again it was defeated! Another small victory for me and I am embracing it and I will continue to bask in the glory of my victory for as long as I possibly can. The cold and the rain didn’t deter us from having a great time! As the saying goes: nothing ventured, nothing gained!
*Beauty of my chaotic mind*