Abusive relationship with myself:
Like millions of people around the world I have some insecurities when it comes to my body, and my mental health disorder has placed it under a microscope. Every last little lump and bump has become so magnified and when I look at my body and how it’s changed over the years I feel even more disgusted with myself. Every bit of cellulite and each stretch mark makes me feel physically sick. What I seem to forget is that this body safely housed two amazing little boys.
It was a creation of two miracles of life. My body provided a safe place where life was able to develop and grow. It has taught me to love unconditionally. Through safely housing my two boys, I know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally too. So why do I not love myself in that way? Working on my mental health has really been an eye opener. I am one of those people who believe everything happens for a reason and there are lessons to be learnt through every experience and encounter. In order to recover, I need to learn to forgive myself for being so hard on myself and my body. It’s been a vessel that safely housed and delivered two amazing bundles of joy and I need to remember that.
The next step in my recovery is to learn to forgive myself. As silly as this may sound, I stood in front with of a full length mirror naked and I apologised to myself for being so critical of my body. Looking at it I saw the bumps and lumps that I have been so disgusted with for years and I said I am sorry. Yes I have a few lumps, but my BMI is healthy and where it should be for my height and it’s just not as toned as it used to be, so I apologised and vowed that I will work on my attitude towards my body. For years I have been in an abusive relationship with my body and this will stop starting today!
I will learn to love myself and look at my body with a new found admiration and respect. Instead of sitting around wishing I’d have more body confidence, I will start by forgiving, accepting and hopefully soon loving my body. Several factors has played a role in my mental health disorder, but it is time that I honestly acknowledge my own part in this. For years I have always said I’ll be happy if I loose five more pounds, or I’ll be happy if I’m a bit more toned. Happiness starts today and it starts with myself. No more waiting to be happy with my body till I’ve lost 5 pounds. I realise that loving myself and accepting my post pregnancy (x 2) body is not going to happen over night and it’s not going to be an easy journey, but it is an essential part of bettering my mental health.
During mental health awareness month I signed up to miles for mind and vowed to run or walk 25 miles during the month of May. I ran the first 6 miles and then went on holiday and walked the rest while away. I was determined to reach the 25 mile goal and it was then that I realised just how much better I feel when I am physically active. Physical activity is now part of my journey and I am hoping by being more active, I will start accepting myself. I have always enjoyed exercise, but my reasons for doing so were wrong. The goal when exercising was always to loose weight, but this time round my goal is to be healthier and happier. My focus will not be on anything other than bettering my physical and mental health. Mentally I have put myself down and played a huge part in my low self esteem, my lack of confidence and my overall mental health.
I have learnt some really hard lessons over the past few months and the hardest part was taking a good look in the mirror and acknowledging my contribution to my mental health disorder. If I am going to recover it is important that I recognise where I have gone wrong.