An abusive relationship with myself

Abusive relationship with myself:

Like millions of people around the world I have some insecurities when it comes to my body, and my mental health disorder has placed it under a microscope. Every last little lump and bump has become so magnified and when I look at my body and how it’s changed over the years I feel even more disgusted with myself. Every bit of cellulite and each stretch mark makes me feel physically sick. What I seem to forget is that this body safely housed two amazing little boys.

It was a creation of two miracles of life. My body provided a safe place where life was able to develop and grow. It has taught me to love unconditionally. Through safely housing my two boys, I know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally too. So why do I not love myself in that way? Working on my mental health has really been an eye opener. I am one of those people who believe everything happens for a reason and there are lessons to be learnt through every experience and encounter. In order to recover, I need to learn to forgive myself for being so hard on myself and my body. It’s been a vessel that safely housed and delivered two amazing bundles of joy and I need to remember that.

The next step in my recovery is to learn to forgive myself. As silly as this may sound, I stood in front with of a full length mirror naked and I apologised to myself for being so critical of my body. Looking at it I saw the bumps and lumps that I have been so disgusted with for years and I said I am sorry. Yes I have a few lumps, but my BMI is healthy and where it should be for my height and it’s just not as toned as it used to be, so I apologised and vowed that I will work on my attitude towards my body. For years I have been in an abusive relationship with my body and this will stop starting today!

I will learn to love myself and look at my body with a new found admiration and respect. Instead of sitting around wishing I’d have more body confidence, I will start by forgiving, accepting and hopefully soon loving my body. Several factors has played a role in my mental health disorder, but it is time that I honestly acknowledge my own part in this. For years I have always said I’ll be happy if I loose five more pounds, or I’ll be happy if I’m a bit more toned. Happiness starts today and it starts with myself. No more waiting to be happy with my body till I’ve lost 5 pounds. I realise that loving myself and accepting my post pregnancy (x 2) body is not going to happen over night and it’s not going to be an easy journey, but it is an essential part of bettering my mental health.

During mental health awareness month I signed up to miles for mind and vowed to run or walk 25 miles during the month of May. I ran the first 6 miles and then went on holiday and walked the rest while away. I was determined to reach the 25 mile goal and it was then that I realised just how much better I feel when I am physically active. Physical activity is now part of my journey and I am hoping by being more active, I will start accepting myself. I have always enjoyed exercise, but my reasons for doing so were wrong. The goal when exercising was always to loose weight, but this time round my goal is to be healthier and happier. My focus will not be on anything other than bettering my physical and mental health. Mentally I have put myself down and played a huge part in my low self esteem, my lack of confidence and my overall mental health.

I have learnt some really hard lessons over the past few months and the hardest part was taking a good look in the mirror and acknowledging my contribution to my mental health disorder. If I am going to recover it is important that I recognise where I have gone wrong.

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21 thoughts on “An abusive relationship with myself

  1. Nice to know you’re making such great progress… Best of luck on your journey xx


  2. Lovely post.
    Powerful acknowledgement of the wonder your body is and the wonders it can perform.
    Sounds profound to stand in front of the mirror naked and soak compassionately. Must remember this.
    Very honest and it fows really beautifully.
    Thank you for sharing.
    Peace and love,
    Spence 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Spence! I’ve been sitting on that one for a while. I guess I was scared to post it, but although I’m a bit nervous I’m glad I did. It’s part of the healing process for me. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. It means the world to me. Xx


  3. So happy to hear that you have learned this…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is such a wonderful post and it is something I am still trying to do. When I stand naked and look in the mirror I am still seeing flaws and this that I need to ‘fix’, or tone or lose – your post has given me encouragement and a reminder that exercise shouldn’t be about losing weight, it’s about moving our body and building up our fitness. I have lost that knowledge somewhere along the way. Thank you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s been a difficult post for me because I know just how critical I am of myself. I never think of myself as worthy or pretty. That is something I really need to work on. I’ve started, but it’s not easy. So happy to hear it was a reminder to you! Thank you for reading and commenting lovely! It means the world to me! So grateful for you!! Xxxx


      1. I get that – sometimes I think I still have an image of me as a 14 year old girl. I never think others see what I see and its very hard to wrap my head around someone finding me attractive. I think there are elements of Body Dysmorphia there, but its probably based mostly in low self-esteem. So grateful for you too ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Proud of you girl, and all the progress you’ve made. It can be hard sometimes, looking at our bodies and seeing the difference that comes with age, but it seems like your mindset will get you where you need and want to be. It is important to remember all the things these bodies do do for us…like you said, it created life, two lives you are grateful for every many miles have your feet brought you in your life? How many of your smiles have brought others to smile? How many hugs have helped slow others hurt?

    They do incredible things for us every day, and so many of those things are overlooked.

    Realizing what makes your particular body/soul feel appreciation is important. It sounds as though your feelings are similar to mine. I often feel better about my physical being when I am physically active. Like I am using it properly, and to my individual fullest extent. It’s like it reminds me of all the things I am capable of while simultaneously making itself more appealing. It’s a bizarre concept, but we are strange creatures.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’ve got the nail on the head hun! It’s so easy to overlook the good things our bodies do for us and to focus on what we perceive as the negatives. Thank you so mi h for taking the time to read and comment it really means the world to me!!! Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. lifewithstellab 18th June 2019 — 2:51 pm

    My goodness girl. This had me tearing up. I was just telling myself I needed to stop being so abusive to myself. Ever since my issues with my X-husband, I have never been able to look in the mirror. Fancy that! There are no mirrors in my room! I cant! But Im hoping to build up to that. Thank you for sharing your heart. This was beautiful! 💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh lovely thank you so much for reading. I hope that we can both get to a point where we love ourselves and our bodies unconditionally!!! You’re so beautiful hun! I wish you could see yourself through my eyes! Your pictures on insta are amazing and your smile is amazing! Seeing you smile in your insta pictures always makes me smile. It’s infectious even in a picture!!!


  7. Samantha Haines 18th June 2019 — 9:41 pm

    You’ve raised some really important issues here lovely. We’re so quick to judge ourselves and be critical but not great a celebrating what our bodies have done…and equally importantly can do going forward. Having the mindset that you are doing exercise to be healthier and happier is definitely a step in the right direction as you’re more inclined to enjoy it, which will in turn make you feel happier. It’s a new cycle to enter and a positive one. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Hun!! Your support means the world to me!! Xx


  8. Naomi (Inching Forwards) 20th June 2019 — 1:37 pm

    This is so so lovely and I am pleased you feel ready to love yourself and your body a bit better – you’re quite right, what you (and it) have done is incredible! I think we should all try to take your attitude a little bit more – our bodies are amazing, and don’t deserve the hate we direct at them 💛

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Love the “happiness starts now” ❤️ So agree, easy to tie happiness into things that really won’t make any difference anyway! Hope you’ve had a good day, I admire your determination and commitment to keeping on recovering and getting stronger and stronger x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely! I appreciate your kind words and you taking the time to read, comment!! I had a good day thank you lovely! How was yours? Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good too thanks, sunshine definitely helps doesn’t it!? X

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh yes!! We’ve had loads of rain up here! Xx


  10. dirtythirtygir1 15th July 2019 — 2:05 pm

    I really identify with this post so thanks for sharing. Love the Miles for Mind idea, I’m going to give it a try. Keep up the awesome progress x

    Liked by 1 person

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