S = Sabotage . . . Self sabotage

Sabotage


The last few weeks has been pretty tough for me emotionally. I have been feeling so down and deflated. Nothing specific happened to cause me feeling this way. I have been trying to figure out why I am feeling so low and what’s been going on.

This month marks the anniversary of my anxiety and depression diagnosis. If I’m truly honest about this, I have been struggling mentally. Secretly I have been struggling a long with my fake smile on my face. It so much easier to say I’m doing good when in actual fact it’s been a struggle. This month I have been reminded so much of where I have been last year, and honestly I expected to be more excited about how far I have come, but the reminder has left me spiralling into that dark abyss again.

I am coping fine at work and that’s been going great, but within my own head the demons have been awakened. I can honestly not pinpoint what happened or what triggered it but I just know how I feel. This made me wonder if I am a victim of my own success. Am I the reason why I am back to feeling the way I did last year? I have been doing so well and without realising it I’ve stopped making time for myself and healing my mental health. Did I think feeling better made me invincible? I don’t think so, but maybe subconsciously I thought I’m in a great place and therefore I’ll not fall back into the dark abyss of crazy that rages within my messed up mind.

Maybe I am the reason I feel the way I do. I have placed so much pressure on myself to reach my one year mark and say I have beaten this disease! I can celebrate and say I am free of my very one mental health struggles. My life is in such a better place, I am happy and my relationships and work are flourishing, so am sabotaging myself? Maybe i am. When things are going great I wonder why they are so great instead of embracing the fact that I am doing good. This little setback has made me realise that I do in fact sabotage myself and my own happiness. Yes, I’ve been feeling low, but the positive is I’ve come to realise that I am responsible for sabotaging my own happiness. I’ve allowed the unhappy and challenging memories of the past year to dim the light on the positive progress I have made. The quest now is to continue the positive work I have been doing, but also to establish why I sabotage myself and how I can stop myself from doing it.

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2 thoughts on “S = Sabotage . . . Self sabotage

  1. I think it’s normal to have a dip in mood around anniversaries of diagnosis. I applaud your recognition that you may be self-sabotaging, but it’s also good to remember that dips in moods and spells of feeling low are normal. Even after a depression diagnosis it is possible to have periods of low mood without it being a relapse into depression.

    I think that when I was younger and before I’d been dealing with mental health for so long I was terrified of any drop in mood as being a relapse, whereas now I am more able to recognise that everybody has bad days, bad weeks, and that is okay.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and commenting! You know maybe it’s the fear of dips in mood that makes me think I’m relapsing. I put so much pressure on myself to be in a better place for the anniversary and that doesn’t help at all!

      Liked by 1 person

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