My entire life I’ve always told myself that I never hold a grudge. I am able to forgive very easily, but the forgetting part is what I struggle with.
I recently sat down with a new acquaintance discussing meditation and the profound impact it has on her life and her way of thinking. Like me she also suffers with anxiety and depression and she’s found meditation to be the drug for her. After our conversation I thought about my life and how far I have come, but also how much work I still have to do. I have been hurt so many times. More than I care to mention. I have forgiven so many things done against me, but what I only recently realised is that I am shipwrecked on a little island of self doubt and distraction. I’ve been holding a grudge against myself. Yes, I have, because I have never learnt how to forgive myself for allowing others to use and abuse my kindness. For years I have resented myself for allowing people to walk all over me. I have resented myself for never standing up for myself or what I believed in. The fear of hurting other people’s feelings always kept me from speaking up.
I have also realised I may forgive others, but I allowed the pain they’ve causes me to fester. It lingers and grows. Slithering around my heart, soul and mind like a serpent that strikes poisoning me with each strike. Now I find myself incapable of accepting what I have achieved in my life. Incapable of accepting myself. I am struggling to find pride in what I have achieved. So many great things has happened to me over the years and I still feel undeserving. Why? Because my pain has programmed me to believe I do not deserve anything good in my life. As a child each time I accomplished something great I was struck down by terribly spoken words from a friends and some extended family members. Words like “you’ll never amount to anything”, “you’re not one of us”, “don’t play with her” are the words I hear over and over in my head when I achieve something to be proud of. It’s a lightening strike of angry words and actions which leaves me craving to achieve more, for I truly believe the more I achieved the more likely acceptance would be for me. All I ever wanted was to be accepted and loved. Now in my adult life I look back at how much I have achieved and I am not satisfied with any of it, causing me to push those who love and support me away for I am not deserving of their love and support. I have created my own amazingly unique little family who loves me without question. So why do I still seek approval from distant family who never gave it to me in the first place? Why am I not able to accept my achievements or myself? Why can I not just accept that I also deserve to be happy? Why do I still allow the hurt to determine my sense of self worth?
This monster within me, it’s desire to achieve more, it’s desire to be accepted by my family is what’s causing me to push those who love me most away. I seek out their weakness and build an impenetrable fortress in an attempt to protect myself, but instead I hurt myself even more. I have done this for so long without realising that I have build a wall between of self doubt and self loathing. Why can I not just accept that I deserve happiness? Why can I not accept all the amazing things I’ve achieved? Why am I incapable of accepting and enjoying my achievements?
My childhood pain dictated for so many years, and maybe even this day, who I let in my life and the extent to which I supported them. I chose the wrong people to surround myself with in a desperate plea to heal my pain. In some cases biology decided who will be in my life, but I chose to surround myself with my non biological assassins. Now I find myself distrusting of others, for I have chosen the wrong people to surround myself with and I have gone the extra mile to support those and help heal their own pain. When they felt better I was cast aside just like I was as a child. No appreciation for my help, love and support. I found myself alone with no one willing to share the joy of my achievements.
Childhood and early adulthood pain will no longer take hold of my life. Through meditation and my various other forms of treatment I have come to realise, I do deserve happiness. I deserve love, respect and all the good things life can throw at me, but I have to be open to accepting it. I may be a shipwreck, but I am rebuilding. Using each piece of scrap to create a whole new me. Everyday I learn to love myself even more. I give myself daily affirmations. I tell myself that I am worthy, I am great, I deserve happiness, I should be proud of what I have achieved! For years I have placed my happiness on hold. Saying thing like I’ll be happy when I loose 5kg, I’ll be happy if my hair is longer or my skin is clearer, or I’ll be happy when I get a better paying job. Today I say no more. No more putting off my happiness. No more putting off who I am or diminishing what I have achieved in my life.
My children are healthy and happy boisterous little beings, showing off their amazing personalities everyday and that is partly down to me. I’d love to say it’s 50/50 between my husband and I, but I take most of the credit haha. Just today I was told by colleagues that they love having me in the office as I’m like a ray of sunshine bringing them joy in the dreary Scottish weather. I am a ray of sunshine. I make people laugh. I am a great loyal friend. I deserve happiness. I am me and I will no longer allow past pain to dictate my future or how I feel about myself. I am free from past pain. I will look to my future and accept who I am without conditions.
I am me and I am proud of the woman I have become! I will always look to achieve more in life, but I am now learning to look back at my achievements with acceptance and pride. I’m
No longer shipwrecked on my island of self doubt and isolation. With each passing day I discover and learn more and more about myself as a person, woman, wife, mother and friend. I am me and I am learning to love me more with each passing day and that fills my soul with love for me!