Dancing in the rain!


Dancing in the rain!

Yesterday the 26th of December my blog turned one! Yes it’s been a whole year since I started my blogging journey. One year since I took the plunge and mustered up the courage to share my journey with Anxiety and Depression.

Today in an ironic twist of fate, it was raining, just like it did a year ago when I was sat at my living room window watching the rain a day after I started my blog. Today I did the same, but my thoughts were very,very different. I sat watching the rain running down my living room window, listening to it bouncing off the roof of my home and it was like a song. My heart was beating to the rhythmic sounds of the rain drops bouncing off my roof one by one, followed by the soothing drips as it dropped off my window onto the windowsill. Drip … drip … drip …drip …it was magical! Put your hand on your chest and feel the rhythm of your heart beating. Take it in, feel it, allow it to take over your mind, body and soul! Feel the rhythm, the song that plays within your soul. This is what I felt today. The rhythm of the drums of my heart beating in my chest and the rhythm of nature dripping down my windowsill, bouncing off my roof and I danced to the same tune! That is life. That is happiness.

I felt so inspired and so uplifted, I took my youngest and we ran outside, stood in the middle of our garden and danced in the rain. I felt the rhythm of my soul and the rhythm of nature melting into one beat and I danced and danced until my toddler brought me back to reality with a “mum I need a poo”! I laughed and laughed until we reached the bathroom and I walked away. I made myself a coffee and thought wow the rain felt amazing. It felt cleansing, cold but yet gentle and soothing. It really soothed my soul. A year ago I was ready to give up on life and today a year later I was dancing in the rain. What a difference a year makes!

My life has really gone full circle the last twelve months. I quit two jobs. Yes!!! Two jobs ! To some that may be a lot, but I realised through my struggles I have been cutting myself short and I have stopped myself from applying for jobs I know I’d be good at. Instead I went with jobs where I would blend in, where I wouldn’t be noticed, but I soon figured out it was not meant for me. After a few weeks off I finally landed a contract job ( still within finance) in a renowned UK financial institution. For the first time I experienced the acceptance and encouragement provided by and employer in support of their staff mental well-being . I was never a permanent member of staff, but I was always included and I always felt welcome. Throughout my career I have always accepted being the person everyone walks over and takes advantage of, the one in the shadows while others take the credit, but this time round I said enough. I will not allow people to take advantage of me any longer. Today I find myself on Christmas break ready to start my new role and as Business Analyst in the new year. Taking the leap, quitting jobs where I felt unappreciated, paid off. My career is changing and I am moving into the direction I have always dreamt of. I’m evolving and growing day by day.

The year has not been without it’s struggles. I have had a few mental breaks, where life just got the better of me and it would be dishonest of me to hide that! Life has not always been smooth sailing. There’s been some really rough seas and times I felt I was slipping back into my dark abyss of nothingness. The very own monsters I helped create in my head were gaining the upper hand. Hiding my fears has always been easy, but this time round I struggled to keep it to myself and that is a major step in my recovery. I freely talked about my fears, my anxieties and more so when I felt the depression was taking control of me. I had to make myself talk. I had to or else the depression would take over and possess my soul. I couldn’t allow that to happen. So I talked. My desire to beat my mental health condition is growing stronger, but so are the demons of negativity. Someone once told me each one of us has two raging bulls (positivity and negativity) inside of us, and the one that survives is the one we feed the most. So I will endeavour to feed the positive. Each day my raging bull of positivity is getting stronger and one day it will be more powerful than anything I’ve ever experienced. You see I truly believe that I will beat my mental health condition. I will not allow it to define me. It is merely and extension of who I am right now. Each night before bed I ask myself what positives can I take from my day, and no matter how hard my day was I find something positive about my day.

For a long time my anxiety and depression was like a tornado wrecking havoc Through my soul, a tsunami of unpredictable sadness with negativity killing my desire to live, ripping my soul apart. Through the darkness I saw no reason to live. I’m not free if my anxiety and depression, but I am able to see the light even when the storms are raging in my head. A year later I am still a work in progress, but I am able to share my story. I am happier and so much more appreciative of my life. Throughout this year I have lost many friends, and I must add I use that term very loosely, but I have realised who my true friends are and I have made amazing new ones. People who understands my journey, people who have been through it all and who came out on top. They give me hope and inspiration.

I’m grateful for this journey, for my anxiety and depression taught me to deal with loss and opened me up to the incredible gains of friendships. Friendships where I am not judged and I am not left to feel used. Throughout this journey my biggest gain was learning to love myself again. I still have moments where I am not completely happy with where I am, but I remind myself continually that I have made many small positive steps. My kids are doing amazing and my eldest got his best ever school report. My youngest is growing into his own little personality each day going from strength to strength and my husband joined the Royal Naval, a long time desire of his. They are happy and healthy and my career is finally going into the direction I have dreamt of and I am learning to love and accept myself daily.

What a difference a year made!

Happy new year to all of my readers. May you dance in the rain to the rhythm of your heart beat in 2020. May you learn to love yourself. I wish you all a very prosperous New Year filled with joy, love and laughter. May your fears, anxiety and depression see its arse in 2020.

Lots of love
M
@beautyofmychaoticmind